Deep inner child wounds leave adults with behaviors that skew how we see ourselves, speak to ourselves, and interact with others. Having an inner wounded child can sound and feel like you are a people pleaser, out of place, anxious, guilty for setting boundaries, shame for asking for what you want or expressing emotions, feeling uncomfortable when given compliments, shame about your body, avoiding conflict, self-criticism, distrust of others, and most of all a deep feeling of abandonment (Davis, 2020).
"Everybody leaves," this is the story I would tell myself well into adulthood because, as a child, my separation anxiety was constantly activated. I was the youngest of three children, with substantial age gaps between myself and my siblings. Why did I grow up believing everybody leaves? Why was the feeling of abandonment deeply rooted in my thoughts? A particular memory has stayed embedded in my mind. When I was in the first grade, my mother would come to pick me up after school. This was always a momentous event for me because I was extremely attached to her, and seeing her car parked across from school waiting for me was a huge comfort. She didn't forget. She came back like she always did. Until one day, she didn't. One day she did not show up; instead, my father did. I could see the panic and concern on his face. He told me my mom had not come into the office they shared, and they had not heard from her all day. As we drove all over our small town to look for her, I felt extremely "left." She left me. And that has stayed, even though she did come back. My parents had a tough marriage at times. This also added to the feelings of being unseen, unheard, and unimportant compared to their issues. She left because she needed some space. When she returned, I felt angry and could not stop crying because she was home.
This feeling of abandonment and being emotionally too much in my personal and romantic relationships visit often. I can dive deep with someone emotionally, but if I feel slighted, unseen, unheard, or challenged, it is like a hand on a burner that pulls away instantly. The immediate fear of being left makes me want to leave before anyone else can. This is a battle for me. Let myself be allowed to have the love I deserve but be afraid to take up space.
These wounds also showed up in the form of picking partners who had similar traits as my parents in an attempt to heal them. This did not work and ultimately caused more pain. What did work was working with a therapist who understood these wounds and why they were still present. Giving myself the space to feel challenging emotions and learning to tell that child it is ok to feel those things and to be afraid of loss, but you are still safe. The safety and trust I had to find were within myself. I had to learn to calm those big emotions, let go of control, soothe, breathe, and pinpoint the feeling after the dust of being activated settled. Also, learning to communicate these feelings, love myself through them, and manage my emotions (still a work in progress) as a parent would have done with me are skills I need to master. Finding close relationships with others or a partner who will equally love you through your wounds. Who validates, holds space, and offers a safe landing is essential. But so is grace.
References:
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/07/27/reparenting-to-heal-the-wounded-inner-child/