By: Kristen Small
The alarm goes off at 4:00 am. Eyes slowly blink to awareness. Wide yawns welcome another day. Yet instead of the usual rising that eases me out of bed, there’s a familiar pain–a heaviness that arrests me to immobility.
Deep breaths offer no relief. Rather, they only confirm the grip of weight that aggressively shoots across my back. “It’s back”, I exhale. Yet the anticipation of this excavation of breaths doesn’t give me the relief that it afforded a young Savannah Jackson. Instead, this exhale is a thorn in my flesh, a lesson. A reminder that the foundation to any love that I could ever extend, is a fervent, fearless and wholehearted love of self.
This pain is a scar, the result of a lesson in love. Though only periodic, this pain is persistent. Physician and specialist alike suggest that due to the nature of this injury this pain has become a part of my being. Despite its blatant discomfort, this pain’s ever-presence has been one of my greatest teachers.
A lesson in intuition. To listen to my heart and never ignore the messages my spirit sends me. A lesson in awareness. To pay attention to the signs of abuse and insecurity. For the signs are always there. Even when masked in laughter, passion and affection. A lesson in accountability. A constant reminder that what I permit, I promote. A lesson in forgiveness. A surrender of resentment and a release of self-condemnation. An acknowledgement of the impact of hurt and trauma, and the harmful ways that they can show themselves when not addressed. An extension of grace, for him and for me. A lesson in healing. A reminder on the necessity of recognizing the places within me that harbor hurt. A realization that I cannot heal what I will not reveal. A lesson in love. An honest, wholehearted evaluation of myself, with the heartfelt understanding that love at its core, must begin with me.
Stitched throughout the fabric of the persistence of this pain is the providence of its potential. A beautiful alchemy that has transmuted this pain into purpose. A testament to the power of self-love.
As we embark upon this season of Valentine’s, I invite you to meditate upon the lessons that you have learned from love. The wisdom gained. The strength acquired. The hard and heartfelt circumstances that yielded your growth.
Before you reach out to love, reach in. Shine light upon spaces of hurt and pain. Dust away the cobwebs of self-doubt and embrace you wholly. Offer yourself the intimacy you’ve desired, the affection you’ve shown others. And remember, the love that we give away is predicated by the love we give ourselves. The work starts within.
In the wisdom filled words of Jill Scott, “Whoever you are; love yourself. And then we can really start loving each other.”