In their book Big Friendship, Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow describe friendship as “A bond of great strength, force, and significance that transcends life phases, geography, and emotional shifts.” Our close friendships are impactful and sustaining to our physical and mental well-being. These connections can lift us up when we experience adversity and amplify our celebration and joy. We all recognize the importance of friendships, but in the hierarchy of social relationships friendships are often relegated to ranks below romantic partnerships and familial connections. When we first connect with new friends, we amplify the characteristics that bring us together. We come together and marvel at all the ways we are the same. But often, as the relationship settles into familiarity and comfort, and as we open our lives to each other, we must navigate the differences around how we communicate emotions, how we deal with conflict, how much we reveal our vulnerabilities, and what we expect from our friendships. The cultural assumptions and expectations around friendship are that they should be reliable and steadfast, involve minimal conflict, and fade in and out of central roles in our lives as circumstances dictate. But because friendships are entirely chosen relationships with no formal or legal commitments of marriage or family, friendships are particularly vulnerable to deteriorating if we do not put in the work to maintain them. Friendships, like all relationships we want to sustain, need nurturing, intentionality, compromise, shared meaning, and consistent connection to thrive.

Staying curious about each other’s emotional perspectives and leading with connection through conflict are two ways we can nurture and fortify our friendships. Amintou Sow and Ann Friedman highlight the sparks that fly when we first engage with new friends. We want to know what they think about everything. We get insights into ourselves from the ways that they see us and the ways that they see the world. We want to learn all their stories. Maintaining that curiosity over the long term requires conscious commitment. People change over time and relationships can require recalibration and stretching to accommodate those changes. Checking in with our long-haul friends to make sure we have a good understanding of their emotional perspectives can make them feel known and cared for. These behaviors also signal a future focused commitment to the relationship sending the message “I value our relationship and want to feel aligned with you.” “I’m willing to stretch to accommodate your growth.”

Leading with connection is another way we can grow through conflicts rather than allowing them to deplete our friendships. We tend to feel most fulfilled in our relationships when we feel connected and open. This requires vulnerability and being vulnerable means that we are likely to get emotionally charged and hurt sometimes. We know our friends’ pain points, their triumphs, and their tragedies and our friends know ours. This knowledge can be used for connection or for contention. When communicating about a hurt or wound with a friend, it can help if we highlight the connection on the front end of the conversation. “I know that you need time alone to reenergize and recuperate, but I had been planning this gathering for weeks, and was really looking forward to all of us being together. I was hurt when you would not attend. Can we figure out times to get together that might work for both of us?” “I understand that it’s hard for you to feel comfortable around new people, but I felt rejected when you left so suddenly. Could we figure out a way you could let me know that you’re feeling uncomfortable?” Deep wounds are created in our friendships when we run away from difficult conversations and conflicts. “Closeness should not be confused with sameness” Harriet Lerner writes in her book The Dance of Connection. We don’t have to have the same perspective on everything to form deep connections with our friends. But we have to be open and interested in hearing another’s perspectives and trying to understand how their perspectives can engage and integrate with our own.

References

Sow, A., & Friedman, A. (2020). Big Friendship. Simon and Schuster.

Lerner, H. (2002) The Dance of Connection. Quill.