Roughly half of American children will experience parental divorce, and about 25% will experience one or both parents' second marriages. Co-parenting after divorce can be challenging when there are hurt feelings and stressors related to custody and finances. It is important to remain supportive through the process; this can look like 1-advocating for the best interest of your child(ren), 2-sharing child care, 3-managing child conflict, and 4-being supportive towards each other as parents. Being successful in co-parenting requires respect, negotiation, compassion, and validation from each.
As someone who has been through a divorce while raising two teen sons, I can tell you this looks easier on paper than in real-time. Putting aside the hurt and big emotions while navigating space to keep the children safe, supported, heard, and comforted was more than I could ever imagine. I'm not saying we did any of it right, but five years post-divorce, I see we didn't do so badly. Our sons are grounded, typical, and emotionally aware, and they talk to us about things they go through. There is still trust. They have a relationship with their father, and they have one with me. My ex-spouse and I communicate respectfully and are usually on the same page because we know our kids and each other.
There was, of course, a learning curve. Divorce was never something we planned or expected. However, as we all know, life happens. Sometimes it happens without warning, and as they say, "You do the best you can at the time." So we did. There are things that neither of us is proud of, words that probably should not have been said, but after all of it, we are better individuals and better parents. Individually healing from a divorce takes a toll. Separating your feelings so they do not land on the kids is difficult. It is hard to heal yourself, while holding an insurmountable amount of space for your kids to do the same is daunting. It can become a place where your healing gets pushed to the side to put them first.
Some relationships make it impossible to co-parent, and sometimes, you do not have to work directly with your co-parent. One parent can still work with the child(ren) independently and set an example or influence the other to follow their lead or at least be equally supportive to you in different situations. When co-parenting stops being about the kids, it is time to remind each other what the primary goal is, and usually, that is to create trust, emotional safety, and the knowing that the kids still have both parents.
Five years later, my ex-spouse remarried, and I am in a serious relationship. My ex-spouse remarried first, so they navigated this part for me. There was resistance from the children to accept another person into our family, and I resisted and made things difficult because I was hurt and protective of what was "mine." However, this new person has proven to the kids and me that she is to be trusted; she is giving, kind, and never tries to be a replacement or overstep boundaries. She is honestly more than I could hope for in this situation. My children love and accept her, and I appreciate her role in our lives.
My relationship is relatively new. He also has a child the same age as mine who has been very accepting of me from the start, making our relationship easy to grow. My kids also have accepted him, and they are building a relationship with him as well. We want to love each other's lives and be supportive, including our kids, other relationships, goals, and even our dogs.
My journey in co-parenting has turned out to be positive. I know this isn’t always the case. The daily struggle with a difficult ex-spouse/partner can magnify all the negatives. There will be many challenges along the way, but remembering the "why" you need to be a solid team for the kids is most important. You will always be their parents, and you will constantly be raising them. Being cooperative, supportive, and respectful is vital to the well-being of the children.
Reference:
Buckley, C. (2013). Co-parenting after divorce: opportunities and challenges. https://www.family-institute.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/csi_buckley_co-parenting_after_divorce.pdf