I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship where I could exhale. Honestly both in and out of love, I think I’ve spent the better of my life holding my breath. Waiting for the next not so great thing to happen. Expecting the worst and perhaps preparing for it in my expectation of it...being human. Cultivating through every perceived rejection, disappointment and abuse the resiliency of a rubber band, the tenacity of a sponge. Especially in love...
I had two meaningful conversations today with good girlfriends. One on the other side of a 20+ year marriage and relationship, the other in the midst of deciding whether she wants to renegotiate her contract within her 20+ year marriage and relationship. Both with varying degrees of similarities and differences from my own experience in love, my values, my beliefs. Neither fully trusting or believing in love...do I? What does it even mean to fully trust love?
I told one that at 43 I had no intention of choosing a man who in essence wasn’t ok with my wings being fully spread. A man who in some way felt like me loving and taking care of me was a threat to us. The other told me of her need to be a priority, her desire for romance, her contemplation of resignation in love because of a choice she made nearly 20 years ago. The one kinda said I was being naive if I thought that relationships didn’t have ups and downs and I challenged the other to tell the truth to her man...be vulnerable, raw, transparent. To risk rejection in order to destroy and rebuild the marriage she desires. In the end I don’t know that either will take action, that any of us heard what we were actually saying or if my ideas about the love I want to create would even hold up to the laws of this universe.
I spoke to another friend a couple of days ago whom I have had an ongoing conversation with about why I am alone...(trust, I’ve asked myself why am I alone). He said that he had finally figured out that the reason that a woman of my caliber, status and attributes is alone is because I’m unrealistic. Maybe. Of course file this next to I’m still in love with my ex or I don’t dress like I’m available, or my expectation and desire for healthy communication and conversation with a man is outside of the realm of possibility. Maybe.
I however after said conversation am beginning to instead believe that perhaps the reason I’ve been alone for now going on 6 years is that I was not the love I desired and therefore could not have the love I desired. That I was carrying around so much of the scars and baggage from childhood stuff that I couldn’t even begin to be able to receive that which is my birthright. That the idea of loving myself was a Greek concept in a Swahili land.
Or maybe it simply just wasn’t time.
I once heard a quote by Dr Tamaa Bryant- Davis that states, “You retreated to heal and that was necessary. Now is the time to come out of your shell. Your new life is waiting”. Like the caterpillar, it was necessary for me to have a season of rest, healing, growth. Like the butterfly I’ve discovered parts of me that were unknown.
I admonished both girlfriends to consider some change. One I beckoned to forgive. To make a decision to not take another step before she began to forgive. To forgive all the abuses, all the grief, all the hurt and any lingering anger or shame that might have hidden itself in her heart. The other I asked to promise me to give herself half as much love as she gives to everyone else. To show up for herself the way she does others. Both admitted to not knowing how.
My belief is that we don’t have to know how but that instead we must be willing to surrender to change, to start where we are and to keep walking. My truth has been that at any given moment we are being presented with multiple directions to go in and opportunities to grab hold to our truth, our freedom, ourselves. That the universe is abundant and wants us to win and is willing to yield to whatever path we pursue.
Today while my life isn’t perfect, it’s good. Through work (Forgiveness, acceptance, self care, therapy, processing, grieving, gratitude, prayer, meditation, dance, reading, reflection, contemplation and laughter to name a few) I’m learning what it takes to be the love I desire to have and I’m healing the perception of brokenness within me.
Today I’m beginning to see myself clearly and I’m accepting what love is. Today I’m discovering the ability to exhale within my relationship with myself as I learn to love myself better.