“A word after a word after a word is power.” Margaret Atwood tells us. “You cannot build joy on a feeling of self-loathing.” teaches Ram Dass. “The words you speak become the house you live in.” writes the poet Hafiz. All three offer the wisdom that how we speak to and about ourselves influences the ways we show up in the world and engage with others. Language helps us to make meaning of our experiences. When the stories we tell about ourselves are full of demeaning, unkind, and unsympathetic words and phrases, it increases our stress levels, makes it more difficult for us to be kind and compassionate to others, and over time, significantly decreases our motivation to actually make positive changes in our lives (Neff, 2011). 

Psychologist Kristen Neff is a lead researcher in the field of self-compassion. In this TEDx talk she describes the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion and why the latter is more important for our overall well-being. According to the research, self-esteem is “a global judgment of self-worth”. The problem isn’t in having self-esteem, but rather the means we use to get it. Because self-esteem is based on social comparison, people can easily fall into the behavioral pattern of needing to put others down to feel better about themselves. Self-esteem is contingent on performance, status, social standing, and success. It tells us that imperfection is abnormal and that to feel good about ourselves we must protect the image we project at all costs. 

Though it offers us many of the similar benefits of high self-esteem, self-compassion has none of the problematic parts of self-esteem and self-esteem culture. Researchers like Dr. Neff have identified three primary components of self-compassion. They are kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Hustle culture tells us that being gentle and kind with ourselves will reduce our capacity for achievement, demotivate us, and make us self-indulgent and lazy. Cutting edge brain research proves otherwise. Repeated use of judgment-filled, derogatory language toward ourselves does not lead to increased motivation. In fact, it triggers our body and brain’s stress response and significantly increases levels of cortisol. Fight or flight mode is useful in short bursts to help us overcome threat and danger. But when we are repeatedly unkind to ourselves, the threat our brains perceive isn’t for bodily harm, it is to our self-concept. And it is even more confusing because we simultaneously become the threat and the victim of the threat. Rather than increasing motivation, continued activation of the stress response can lead to anxiety, depression, and a host of other physical and mental health challenges. 

Where self-esteem asks us to judge others to lift ourselves up, self-compassion offers encouragement and kindness. Where self-esteem asks us to prove that we are exceptional, self-compassion reminds us that we are all flawed and doing the best we can. Where the unending quest to build self-esteem triggers our stress response and makes us believe we need to hustle for our self-worth, self-compassion offers love and belonging and reminds us that our self-worth is non-negotiable. A steadily increasing body of research on the subject shows high levels of correlation between self-compassion and positive mental and physical health outcomes. As it turns out, it’s when we feel safe and comforted, that we feel most capable of doing and being our best. 

References

Neff, K. (2013) Self-compassion. Hodder and Stoughton.

Desmond, T. & Davidson, R. J. (2015) Self-compassion in psychotherapy: mindfulness-based 

practices for healing and transformation. W. W. Norton and Co.