Unfortunately, grieving is a part of life that is inevitable. For most individuals, the first time we experience grief is during our adolescence stage of life. As an adolescent experiences grief for the first time, many parents worry that their child is not displaying the proper signs of grief that they believe they are supposed to be displaying when a loved one passes away. However, the coping skills that are needed to properly deal with grief are just beginning to develop for adolescents. During the adolescent stage, “our bodies are developing both physically and mentally. This makes the grieving process, on top of self-discovery and self-identity, a grueling ordeal” (Vickers, n.d.). 

Adolescents typically deal with grief in many ways. The lack of coping skills needed causes some teens to act out recklessly (substance abuse, fighting, personality changes, etc.) and impulsively (projecting anger onto others). Some might become numb and mask their emotions entirely. This is typically displayed by adolescents who never shed a tear. Some might become depressed and loose interest in activities that they enjoyed and/or withdraw from social interaction entirely. Others may “feel that growing older means growing less vulnerable. Because of this surge to be independent from their parents, [adolescents] will often say they are ‘fine’ or ‘doing okay’ when they are not…” (Vickers, n.d.).  

So with that being said, what is the proper way for adolescents to grieve? There isn’t one! Even though adolescents have a general understanding of what it means to grieve, the lack of coping skills needed to do so hinders them from properly dealing with it the way adults do. On top of that, adolescents are usually taught that displaying negative emotions are a sign of weakness (especially boys). Therefore, most adolescents tend to “mask their emotions, which, in some cases, can cause more harm than good in the long run” (Vickers, n.d.). 

So what can we do to help adolescents grieve properly? That question can be difficult to answer because each adolescent has a unique way of processing death that often times aligns with their personality. For example, if an adolescent is an extrovert, he/she might use their sense of humor as an outlet to cope compared to crying and impulsive behaviors. If an adolescent is an introvert, he/she might withdraw from their family and friends as an outlet to cope. Therefore, the best thing to do is to normalize their feelings and identify what comforts them during their time of grief. “63% of grieving teens dislike ‘special treatment’ and ‘just want to be treated like everyone else’” (Vickers, n.d.). Although the initial reaction of a parent is to give them a lot of attention during this difficult time, too much attention can increase stress, which is why giving them their space is important. Therefore, it’s best to accompany them compassionately without telling them how to behave. 

The only time you should be concerned about the way an adolescent is grieving is if you start to notice substance abuse problems, long term sleep problems, long term appetite changes, and long term lack of interests following the death of a loved one. These are all signs that your adolescent is struggling to grieve properly. However, it is important to note that “the grieving process never ends. There will be good days, and there will be bad days” (Vickers, n.d.). Therefore, it’s important to note that grief can return at any moment for the rest of their lives. As Vicki Harrison once quoted: “Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

Resource:

Teen Grief 101 & Helping a Teenager Deal with Death (eterneva.com)